C'iest La Vie
by kaibasgirlx
Summary: With Ichigo and Rukia out killing hollows, Kon and Chappy decide to have some fun with their owners' bodies. KonXChappy. Maybe some IchiRuki.


**C'iest La Vie**

"_Stay here, and make sure you don't do anything stupid, and if you dare go within a five mile radius of Inoue's house, I'll lock you in the closet for a month_!" Kon mimicked Ichigo's voice, the substitute shinigami's warnings still ringing in his ears before he went off to fight hollows with Nee-chan. "What's the point in having a body if I can't live a little!" He cried exasperatedly.

"Shut up, Pyon!" Chappy's foot smashed into his gut from her position on the floor. "I'm trying to read!"

Kon pushed her leg off him. "What the hell am I supposed to do then? Every time those two go out to fight hollows, they leave us here and tell us not to go outside! Where's the justice in that?"

Chappy stood up and repeatedly smashed her foot into his chest. "We-are-modified-souls! We-do-as-we're-told!"

Kon blocked her next incoming attack and threw her off him. "Pfft...Yeah, that's why you're so dull, and boring, and-graaahhhh!"

Chappy's fist connected with his jaw. "Dull and boring? How dare you! I'm the most popular choice among the Shinigami Women's Association! I know how to have plenty of fun! Besides, I bet your idea of fun is looking through porno magazines, you pervert!"

"At least I know what good entertainment is!" He yelled back. "Face it, you're just a boring modified soul!"

"BORING?" Chappy screeched, tackling him to the ground. "How-dare-you!"

"Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Um...what's going on in here?" The door opened to reveal none other than the young Kurosaki sister, Karin.

The two modified souls stopped what they were doing, realizing exactly how suggestive they looked with Chappy on top of him, seemingly tearing at his clothes.

"Um...er...nothing...at all! We're just practicing our karate!"

"..."

"Yeah, karate!" Chappy chimed, as she quickly got off Kon. The two of them stood up, trying to look as innocent as possible.

There was a long pause, then,

"O...kaaaaaaaaayyyyyy..." Karin slowly backed away, closing the door to her brother's room, and deciding she really _didn't_ want to know.

Chappy listened to the footsteps disappearing, as she breathed a sigh of relief. "That was close. Nice quick thinking-_Pyon?_"

Kon, deciding to take advantage of the situation, tried to cop a feel by burying his face in her chest.

"So...soft..." he murmured, face translucent with pure bliss.

That is, until Chappy's fist sent him flying, bloody nose and all.

"PERVERT!" She screamed.

Kon picked himself off the floor, feeling his face. Ichigo was _so_ going to kill him if he didn't give his body back in mint condition. "Shut up! You're just hormonally depressed!" He shot back, walking over to the window and shoving it open. "Anyway, I'm outta here."

Chappy's eyes went wide, her rage momentarily forgotten. "What? You can't leave, we have orders to-"

But Kon was already gone. Chappy's eyes narrowed. If Kon got into any trouble, Rukia might blame her. She had to go after him!

Swearing under her breath, she followed him out the window, but he was gone, and she couldn't catch any sight of him. This was just her luck. She had to find him before he did anything stupid and landed the both of them into trouble. _But where would that idiot go?_ She tried to think. If she were some perverted modified soul that normally inhabited a stuffed lion, where would she go?

Well, of course! She'd find the biggest rack in town and bury her face in it!

_He must be on his way to Inoue Orihime!_ She deduced, despite him getting strict orders not to go there. Then again, Kon didn't much value his life, as was demonstrated by his earlier actions.

She hurriedly took off.

xxx

Kon was, indeed, on his way to Orihime's apartment. This was the one time he wished he were still a plushy instead of in Ichigo's body. It would make sneaking into Inoue's home all the more easier, and besides, who could possibly resist a plushy?

Still, he wasn't Kon for nothing, as he jumped the distance between the two neighborhoods in no time. In his mind's eye, he pictured the greeting he would receive once he got to Orihime's.

_"Oh Kon,"_ An Orihime wearing a skimpy black dress said as she opened the door. _"I've been waiting for you."_

_"Oh baby, were you waiting long?"_ Kon asked, as she led him inside.

_"No, but I'm afraid dinner's gone cold, so how about we just skip to dessert?"_ She glanced at him with bedroom eyes.

Kon began to drool as he slowed to a stop, his fantasies taking on a life of their own. He was almost by Inoue's apartment, when a very familiar shriek jarred him back to reality.

"Don't you take another step, Pyon!"

"Darnit!" Kon swore as he immediately broke into a run, trying to reach Orihime's house before the modsoul could stop him.

"Oh no you don't!" Chappy screeched, giving chase.

"Hahaha! Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm-ooof!"

Having failed to look in front of him, Kon ended up slamming into something very hard, and very solid. A moment later he was lifted by the scruff of his neck and brought eye to eye with some 6 ft. 8 in. giant with mean, little black eyes.

"What're you doing _here_, Kurosaki?"

"Eh..heh...heh..." Kon gave a nervous smile as he tried to think of something to say. "I was...going for a walk?"

"Going for a walk?" The giant repeated, and he had yet to relinquish his hold. Kon desperately prayed for a miracle to happen.

Chappy, in the meantime, rounded the corner to the block Kon was on, huffing and puffing. Curse that Kon for being so fast! When she got her hands on him...

"No! Please! Don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want, anything!"

Chappy looked up in time to see Kon getting punched across the face by a group of thugs. Folding her arms across her chest, she smirked in satisfaction as she watched them beat the living crap out of him. Then, just as another thug was about to punch him in the gut, Kon stopped the incoming fist with his hand. Grinning in a sadistic manner only Ichigo's face was capable of, he punched him straight in the nose, breaking it.

For a moment, there was a stunned silence, before,

"Get him!"

Kon jumped out of the way, high into the sky as the band of delinquents collided. He landed at the end of the block, spotting Chappy.

He opened his mouth, possibly in greeting, possibly to ask her how long she was standing there for, or quite possibly to express horror that she'd caught up to him. The world will never know, for at that moment, there was a scrambling noise followed by a shout of:

"There he is!"

Shutting his mouth, Kon simply grabbed Chappy's hand, ordering her to,

"RUN!"

"What? Why are you running! Finish them off!"

"Hell no!" Kon shouted. "_You_ go and fight them!"

"Coward! Fine, I'll go!" She tried to tug her hand out of his grasp. "Let me go!"

"No! If anything happens to you, Ichigo and Nee-chan will both blame me!"

Chappy growled. This wasn't how she was used to doing things. Glancing behind, she saw two of the thugs were hot on their trail. Her eyes narrowed, hadn't there been 6 of them?

"Aaaaaahhhhhhh!"

Chappy crashed into Kon's back, as he skidded to a halt. Before she could say anything, she heard Kon's panicked voice.

"Retreat! Retreat!"

He tried to turn around, but stopped as the two thugs who'd been following them caught up. Chappy found out where the other 4 thugs had gone. They were currently surrounding them.

"Well, if it isn't Kuchiki and Kurosaki," the leader of the gang smiled nastily. "I think we'll be able to have some fun tonight, boys, _especially_ with Kuchiki."

"Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no ohnoohno not good, not good!" Kon's panic was reaching new levels, as Chappy stomped on his foot to snap him out of it.

"What the hell was that for?" Kon yelled.

"Stop acting like such a coward!" Chappy snapped back. Turning to the thugs, she addressed them. "Listen here you idiots! You think you can scare us? Pyon here can take you on anytime, anywhere, blindfolded and with two hands tied behind his back! So don't you dare go underestimating him!"

The gang paused for a moment, all glancing at each other.

"Is that so, Kurosaki?" The leader asked, cracking his knuckles in a menacing manner.

"Yea-"

Kon slapped a desperate hand over Chappy's mouth. "No! No! Don't listen to her! She's deranged, and psychotic, and you can't trust a word she says!"

The thugs seemed not to have heard him.

"You think you can take all of us on, singlehandedly?"

Kon shook his head feverishly. "No! Not at all! I don't think I stand a chance against any of you! You're all ten times stronger than-owww!"

Chappy, who still had her mouth covered by Kon's hand, bit it, forcing him to let go.

"Don't listen to him! He's just being modest, but he knows he can wipe the floor with you guys."

"Oh really?"

"Yep," Chappy's eyes gleamed maliciously as she added, "He told me so himself."

"Is that so, Kurosaki?"

"No! It's a lie, it's all a lie! She's lying!" Kon pointed desperately in Chappy's direction.

"Aww, now is this the kind of face that would lie to you?" Chappy did her best 'sweet girl' act.

Kon roughly grabbed her and pulled her aside. "Are you _trying_ to get us both killed?" He hissed.

"No, just you," Chappy replied sweetly.

Kon shuddered at her saccharine smile, before turning to look back at the gang of bullies.

"Well, whatever the case is, we're just going to beat the living crap out of you, Kurosaki. Sounds good to you, boys?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"All at once then, go!"

"Hold on tight!" Kon yelled, as he grabbed Chappy and threw her over his shoulder. The six thugs collided with each other as he jumped high into the air, landing safely behind them. Letting Chappy down, they turned to face the group.

"Now!" He shouted, and all at once, the two of them began pummeling all six of the thugs.

Kon elbowed one of them in the back, as Chappy kicked another squarely in the gut. A few violent minutes later, and the group was lying in a sore, bloodied pile on the sidewalk.

Kon panted heavily, still feeling the adrenalin rush. He wiped the sweat off his brow, as Chappy dusted her hands off.

"That was fun!" She giggled. "Can we do it again?"

Kon gave her an incredulous look, and was about to tell her she was crazy and a few other things, when flashing lights and a siren caught their attention.

"Oh no..." he muttered.

"What's 'oh no', Pyon?"

"Quick, get on my back!"

"What? Why?"

"It's the Karakura Police! We have to get out of here, and I'm faster than you!"

Casting him a dubious look, Chappy nonetheless clambered onto his back, as he jumped away.

Once he was positive they were a safe distance from the gang of thugs and the police, he stopped outside a dance club and let Chappy down. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"Looks like we-aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!"

Chappy's fist collided neatly with his jaw, as Kon staggered backwards.

"What the hell was that for, you crazy, psychotic—"

"You pervert!" Chappy shouted, as she swung her foot in a roundhouse kick he just managed to avoid.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look where you brought us!"

Kon looked, and did a double take. They weren't standing outside a dance club, as he had originally thought. Oh no, they were right outside a _stripper's club_.

The clouds seemed to part for a moment, and a bright beam of light shone down on the building, as Kon heard a chorus of angels singing in the background.

"There really is a gd..." he cried, tears of joy streaming down his face.

Chappy's fist brought him back to reality with a jarring punch, as she grabbed him by the back of his collar. "We're going home, Pyon. Now!"

"Pffffft! Like hell we're going home!" Kon cackled, as he jerked out of her grip. "You can go if you like, but I'm staying right here!"

With that, the modified soul deftly shot around her and into the building with amazing agility.

Chappy just barely had enough time to blink, before she ran after him with a yell. However, just as she stepped inside the building, a hand shot out of nowhere, preventing her from going any further.

"What the—?"

"Can I see some ID, please?" The security guard, a tall, burly fellow, intoned.

"What? I don't have any ID!"

"Then I can't let you in, ma'am. Besides," the guard cast an eye over her. "You don't look like you're old enough to be here anyway. Shouldn't you be in bed?"

Chappy didn't have time to argue with this man, especially when she had Kon on the loose and had to catch him, FAST! Before he did something incredibly stupid that landed _both_ of them in trouble! Ducking under the man's arm, she ran inside.

"After her!"

Oh, she was _so_ going to beat the ever loving crap out of Kon the minute she got her hands on him! Chappy glanced over her shoulder and saw a bunch of security guards giving chase. Cursing under her breath, she quickly swerved into an entranceway.

Before she could blink, a pair of hands grabbed her, with the exclamation of, "There you are!"

"Wah-?"

"You must be the new model, perfect timing!"

A hefty woman with half-rimmed glasses, heavy makeup, and blonde curls was talking to her a mile a minute.

"You're _much_ shorter than it said on your resume!" She stated, as she frog-marched her through the corridor. "You look like you're no more than five feet! Even less! And why are you in that school uniform? Oh, I don't have time for this; we need you to go out next. We have a special outfit for you, since we've got some important guests tonight, so here," she threw some clothing at Chappy, pushing her into a dressing room. "Put this on under your clothes, and come back for hair and make-up. We need you on stage in five minutes stat!"

"But wait, I'm not-"

"And don't forget, if you do a really good job, the boss will pay you an extra thirty-thousand yen!" The woman trilled, before slamming the door shut.

Chappy glanced down at the clothing, then at the white wooden door. Thirty-thousand yen? Her eyes changed to dollar signs, as a smile spread across her face. She was still going to kill Kon, but maybe she'll be a little nicer about it after she collects the money...

Quickly changing, Chappy put on what she thought was a rather ridiculous costume, and had just finished buttoning up the uniform shirt over it, when the woman from earlier opened the door and walked in, unannounced.

"All ready? Excellent." She grabbed Chappy's hand and pushed her into a chair where she was immediately assaulted by powder and perfume.

"Not too much, the boss likes the shy school-girl act, so keep it natural!"

Two minutes later, Chappy was standing beside her near a curtain, from which she could hear hooting and hollering.

"Okay kid, what's your name again?"

"Kuchiki Rukia." Chappy answered promptly.

The woman scratched her head. "I could've sworn it was Sakura. Well, whatever. You know what to do?"

"Nope!"

The woman gave an aggravated sigh. "I could've also sworn you said you had experience," she growled under her breath. "Okay, it's very easy. Just get out there, and _slowly_ take off everything you're wearing, okay?"

"_All_ of it?" Chappy's eyes went as round as saucers.

"Yes, _all_ of it. And once you get to the clothing I gave you, make sure to put these on first, okay?" The woman shoved what looked like a headband into Chappy's hands. "Once you're done, come back here to get paid."

"Okay." It certainly sounded simple enough.

"Alright, go!" The woman practically shoved Chappy through the curtains, as the announcer's voice came over the loudspeaker:

"And now, say hello to the shy and lovely school girl, Kuchiki Rukia!"

xxx

"Achoo!"

"Are you okay?" Ichigo asked, as he landed beside the petite shinigami.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Rukia answered. "You took care of the last hollow?"

"Yep," Ichigo nodded his head, as he sheathed his sword. Rukia did the same.

"It's strange that there were so many hollows out tonight, don't you think so?" Rukia asked, as they began to head back together.

Ichigo shrugged. "I just hope Kon didn't do anything stupid. He's been acting weird lately, saying we don't appreciate him enough."

"I wouldn't worry; I gave Chappy specific instructions to twist his arm if he tried anything stupid."

"You what?" Ichigo yelped.

"What's your problem?" Rukia glared at him for shouting.

"What's _my_ problem? What's _your_ problem? That's _my_ body Kon's using! Any arm she twists off is _mine_!"

"Oh...I forgot about that."

"You forgot about it?"

"Don't worry, Kon is usually well-behaved, so I'm sure she didn't have to resort to that."

"Arrrrgh!" Ichigo stomped off.

"Ichigo, wait up! You're getting worked up over nothing!"

"No, I'll tell you what I'm getting angry over-" Ichigo began, but stopped abruptly as he noticed lights up ahead.

"What happened? Why'd you stop speaking?" Rukia caught up to him.

"That's the police up ahead," Ichigo muttered, as he took a quick glance around the neighborhood. It wasn't anywhere near his family, nor any of his friends. Still, he felt uneasy about the whole thing. "C'mon, let's check it out."

They went over to where the police were handcuffing some thugs.

"We had nothing to do with it! It was all Kurosaki's fault!" One of them shouted. "You should be following _him_, not handcuffing us!"

"Yeah, he went _that_ way; you can still catch up to him!"

Ichigo glanced at Rukia. "You were saying?"

"He must have lost Chappy somehow! There's absolutely no way she would let him do that!" Rukia cried.

"Yeah, and there was that Kuchiki girl with him too! They both went flying down the street as soon as they heard you coming!"

Ichigo glanced once more at the petite shinigami. Rukia's face was dark.

"I am going to _kill_ Kon when I find him! I just know this is all his fault!"

xxx

Kon felt a shudder run down his spine, and he quickly glanced around. For some strange reason, he was getting a premonition of doom.

Suddenly he heard the announcer's voice, and Kon looked up with eager anticipation at the next model. His jaw dropped.

It was none other than Chappy. Or, more correctly, Chappy in Rukia's body.

_How the hell..._he could only stare, as she slowly began to unbutton her uniform shirt in a very tantalizing manner.

For someone who'd never stripped before, Chappy was going an excellent job at it. Kon could only stare, riveted, as layer after layer fell away, until she was left in a skin-tight, one-piece blue bathing suit. There was even a fluffy white tail in the back.

Kon thought he would just about die as Chappy waved the bunny tail at the crowd, only to turn back around to reveal she had put on matching bunny ears. It was precisely at the moment, when he felt he could finally die happy, that he suddenly sensed it: A killing aura. No, make that 2 killing auras, both headed straight toward him.

xxx

"Okay, I found them!" Rukia exclaimed, as she consulted with the cell phone. "It's a good thing we put those tracker chips on Kon."

"So where the hell are they?" Ichigo growled, tightening his grip on Zangetsu. He could only envision the pain and torment he was going to inflict on modsoul when he got his hands on him.

"There!" Rukia pointed to the night club, and the two of them flew through the building's walls.

"KOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN!" Ichigo shouted, and the mod-soul looked up in terror as he saw Ichigo enter the building.

Chappy also heard him, and looked up, just in time to catch his eye. Ichigo stopped dead in his tracks.

It was Rukia. Dressed as a playboy bunny. Complete with fluffy white tail and ears.

Blood spurted from his nose as his thoughts jammed. He couldn't think straight, as the only coherent thought running through his mind was how much he just wanted to grab her and—

"Ichigo! Did you find them?" Rukia, the _real_ one, came up from behind him.

The substitute shinigami turned in horror, and Rukia, catching sight of the blood on his face, frowned as she looked past him.

"Why are you—" She stopped talking, as she caught sight of Chappy. Sweeping a quick glance over the room, she spotted Kon.

And then all bloody hell broke loose.

xxx

To this day, people at the stripper's club couldn't exactly tell you what it was that caused chunks of the ceiling to explode, nor what exactly hit the concrete floor so hard, it made a small crater in it. But they could tell you that Kuchiki Rukia, the shy school girl model, ran out of the place as fast as her legs could carry her, followed by an orange-haired teen who, by all means, was screaming for his life and begging for mercy, though no one knew exactly from what.

xxx

"So how much longer are we suspended for?" Rukia asked, as she popped a couple of grapes into her mouth.

Ichigo leaned back into his cushions. "Oh, I'd say we got about three more weeks. We're lucky the principle didn't find out about the actual _stripping_, just that we were _at_ a stripper's club."

"Ah, so that's all, huh?" Rukia frowned for a moment, as she lifted a hand to shade her eyes. "Kon, the sun is bothering me."

Grumbling, a heavily patched up Kon limped over and adjusted the umbrella.

"Better?" He snapped.

"Yes," Rukia smirked, before she heard a beeping sound. "Oh, looks like there's a hollow down by the park. You better hurry up and take care of it."

Spewing a number of swear words, Kon glared at her. "Why the hell do _I_ have to do all the work? Why doesn't Chappy get any punishment?"

Rukia petted the gigai's head. "Because this was all _your_ fault. If you hadn't run off, Chappy wouldn't have had to chase you, and this whole incident could have been avoided."

"Yeah, now shut up, and get me a can of soda before you go," Ichigo ordered.

Kon grabbed the can, making sure to shake it very well before handing it to him.

"Thank you. Now get going."

Kon took off, armed with Zangetsu. Ichigo smirked. Of course, there was another reason why Chappy had gotten off so easy. Aside from Rukia's obvious favoritism of the modsoul, she'd managed to bribe him with pictures the men at the club took of her as she was stripping, which she pilfered off a playboy magazine.

It was like watching Rukia strip, slow motion.

Yep, life was good.

Ichigo opened his can of soda to take a sip, when the whole thing exploded in his face.

"KOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!"

xxx

Over by the park, Kon laughed.

_The End._


End file.
